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Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome (noun): a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. Symptoms include: chronic self-doubt (oh yeah) and a sense of intellectual fraudulence (oh yeah x2).    She really is THAT BITCH. I’ve been a musician for over 28 years.    Every time I pick up my instrument, I feel like I’m playing it for the first time.    I know I’m good, people have told me this.    But, again, those feelings of “not good enough” come creeping in.    I’ve played on multiple stages, multiple times, and yet...I feel like a fraud.    People PAY ME to play music with them, and for them!    WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?    What is wrong with me?    When I talk about my musical life and the adventures and places it has taken me, it feels like an out-of-body experience.    When I go to work everyday and I teach, it feels like an out-of-body experience.    I don’t get it. Fast forward into teaching...I love my job.    LOVE MY JOB.     I love being a music teacher...but wow...I
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Starting this journey with broken suitcases.

Hi.     This is me.     Too much for some...not enough for others.     Love my family and hate myself.     Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough.     Not enough. But am I? I have a loving husband, 2 amazing kiddos, and 2 amazing dogs that think I’m pretty great.    I should be grateful!    Yes, GRATEFUL to be alive in this 2020 pandemic “situation” we’re in.    But I’m not.    I’m sad.    I’m lost.    I feel unfulfilled. Let me start at the beginning of all this self-loathing... I’ve always felt “not good enough.”    I’m book smart...but common sense?    Yeah...no.    I played sports, danced, cheered, sang, played instruments, toured countries, and yet...not good enough.    What’s missing?    I don’t know... but people can read it all over my face.    “Hey, you ok?” “Hey, you look upset.”    “Hey...what’s wrong?” I just want to yell “I DON’T KNOW, OK?!?    I. Just. Don’t. Know.”  I’m a mess...constantly. The one thing that’s always driven me to insanity...my weight.    A
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